Sex Taught Me All the Things I Need to Know About Blogging

Image by Bossanostra via Flickr

This post is inspired by Michael Martine’s humorous take on Twitter as a social media phenomenon . Says Michael:

“Twitter is like sex. You can read all the stuff (or look at it) about sex all you want, but if you’ve never had it, you simply have no idea what it’s like.”

I quite agree with Michael’s humorous analogy. And though I’d love to play the devil’s advocate, I simply can’t summon enough neurons to even come up with something close to his classic piece. So I did something else.

Good sex is like blogging

And it is this – when I think of sex I can readily associate it with blogging. Perhaps that says something about my stamina or writing mojo? That my dear readers is a question. This is not a wedding so I will not be asking for any arguments to the contrary. Hold your peace, I say.

But I digress. Let’s hear it from another funny man. Billy Crystal says, “Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.”

Well, let me tell you, blog readers are like women when it comes to reading blogs. They need to have good reasons to get intimate with you as a blog author.

How to make your readers stick with you

1. Clean up your act. Nothing turns off a reader than an author who neglects the basics of good hygiene. You have to smell good, look good, clean, and irresistible. It means choosing lean, sinewy and precise words. Nothing busts your chances with readers than neglecting your choice of words or phrases. You don’t make your readers swoon over your post by throwing your undies with tell-tale signs of skid marks into your blog.

2. Build up anticipation. A good headline entices and makes a promise. It leads the reader to your lead paragraph. Does she have a clear idea what you aim to do? Of course, she does – but will she like your style? Will she purr in pleasure as you lead her on sentence after sentence, paragraph by paragraph into a satisfying climax? Be cool. And stop being a Neanderthal, hitting your readers in the head with your purple prose in a vain ruse to lure them into your dark cave. They will leave you when they come to.

3. Be versatile. Do you serve the same dish every day? No wonder why your readers are looking for other blogs to entertain them. Mix it up a little . Be adventurous. The missionary post delivers all right, but can be dreadful if served to your readers every time. Think of long, intense explorations of your niche topic. Think of magnificent and over-arching pillars. Very meaty, right? Make them unforgettable and you will find your readers camping out in your blog for more. After that, seduce your readers with stories or teach them new tricks by featuring interviews on topics that resonate with their heart.

4. Be intimate. Readers love intimacy. They gobble up your words all right, but they need to touch and feel what makes you tick, what saddens you, what pushes your buttons. Perhaps you are the all-conquering muscle man , but sometimes to identify with you, readers need to know what’s your kryptonite. Don’t be afraid to let them see you’re flawed like them once in a while.

5. Be generous. It’s not all about you, baby. Your readers have problems, pressed for time, harassed at work, beset by issues. You’re not making it easier for them by dumping on them your tired pick up lines. Give them a back rub, knead their aching shoulders, listen to their problems and offer your best solutions. You’re not a show horse – try to be useful.

6. Be honest. Nothing turns off readers more than dishonesty and hypocrisy. I don’t know the exact science behind this, but readers have a keen radar for BS. Is it intuition? Is it a life visited too often by betrayal? I can’t put a finger to it. But I’m sure your elegant words and your outstanding theme design will not make your readers open the door for you the second time around.

7. Be knowledgeable. As a blog reader, drivel turns me off and make me cover my family jewels for some imagined assault. I admit I get turned on by a marvelous turn of phrase. I don’t know if they’ve already invented a name for this disease if it is a disease. But it’s true, you can lead me on by the nose for some tryst if your words, sentences, and paragraphs all conspire to make me lose my inhibitions. Appeal to my hunger for knowledge and my morals go out through the window.

8. Be accessible. Readers might stay if they know who you are. Leave them your card. Write something on your about page. You’re in it for the long haul, right? One mindless episode with you can be satisfying, but if you want them to stay you’ve to do away with your avatar. Part of an engaging intercourse that can happen in a blog is to see the reassuring face of its author with whom we are getting intimate with.

9. Be funny. If you can’t – be playful at least. Words turn me on as reader, but I have to say humor or playfulness works like an aphrodisiac. A humorous mind is sexy and is likely to set the mood for a productive one on one with the reader. I may not recall all the useful things you told me, but you bet I will remember that I have a good time with you.

10. Be humble. Readers know you’re a learned man. But please don’t swagger too much. You’re likely to break some china. Or shatter your readers expectations. Rid yourself of the illusion that you have your readers wrapped in your little finger. They can leave you anytime. Why? For all your brilliance, in the grand scheme of things, you are not exactly God’s gift to blogging.

Time to draw something from your bag of tricks, my friends. What’s your neat little secret? What works for you as writer or as a blog reader?

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TechChunks

LOLOL... Thanks for giving me a mouthful of hearty laugh on this rather boring Sunday afternoon.

By the way, I loved your analogy! :)
jangeronimo

Thank you. There's an upside to not getting any action lately. This post
can be said to be one of them. :)
fielsvd

wahahaha! i like this post!
jangeronimo

Father, napasadsad ka sa bodega ng blog ko. Ahehehe. Thanks for reading
that deep into my archives. :)
lio loco

and again, you never fail to amaze me uncle jan. the pointers you wrote are so deliberately true that i thought you custom-penned this post for me. haha! i'm learning tons here just by reading a few posts of yours.

i don't think i could follow bullet 8 though. i think the curiosity of your readers regarding who you might be will sustain their interest in keeping them visit your blog (consider: the anonymous contemporary author, bob ong). of course, this is not the be all and end all of the blogger-readers relationship. this can only be anchored by the quality of the posts you write in your e-abode.

thanks for the great blogging tips uncle jan!
.-= lio loco´s last blog ..SSDD No. 3 =-.
elmot

hahaha! i was about to really read every line of your post bro, but the topic is just damned so hot.

you surely know your sex education big bro. i bet that everything you wrote are all for the taking of people here....everything is like all on those hot lovin.
Jan

@George: I'm glad you liked it. There's only a fine thin line that separates this post from tawdriness. I just hope I did not step into the dark side with this one.

Thanks a lot.
yatot

@lucrecio:

lols... count me in! hahahhaha
George Serradinho

Wow!

I read your title and I just had to read the rest as it made me laugh. I never thought sex was like blogging, but you are right in what you have written.

Some people might have different opinions, but the basis of your points will still be valid.
Jan

@Roy: Thank you, Roy. What a superb compliment...I doesn't matter, Roy. You can afford a cook anyway.
Roy

you sure you've just been blogging for a few months?

you sure know a lot and no one dares contest what you write, well... because they're true.

I know, you might answer "it's because I read a lot of blogs"

Hey, I read a lot of cookbooks too, but I can't cook a perfect sunny-side up :(

I know, I'm blabbering. Just want to get into this beautiful post

keep 'em coming!
Jan

@Lucrecio: I've a feeling you can give Dee stiff competition if you decide to blog. I love your style already.

Can bribery melt Dee's resolve? Perhaps a bag of mouth-watering treats can do the trick.

Just thinking out loud: Something amiss here. You're being prevented to do something in anticipation of what you might do in the future? Uh-oh. That's preemptive strike.

But maybe Dee sees something we don't see. Women are known to be psychic after all.

Thank you, Luke. We're laughing while chatting in YM while we both read your delightful comment. He'd be pleased the chocs can still be had.

@Terry: That's true. More than I care to admit, Terry.
Terry Heath

Hey Jan,

There are some great lines in here. Glad to hear I've got a small part in the spreading of your creative wings. Fly boy, fly!
Jan

@Brad: Thanks, Brad. I feel wiser every time I've read up on Terry's creative blogging site. This must be the side effect of all my reading in his blog.

Thanks for the tweet, my good sir.
Lucrecio Emerito

@Jan,

      "I've enjoyed your self-deprecating

       humor very much."

I guess life just becomes more fun the moment we can laugh at ourselves.

      "the only Jedi I know who waves

       chocolates in the air instead of

       light sabers. That's below the

       belt tactic, methinks. After all,

       who can resist chocolates."

Yeah, I am always finding out that treats work better than threats.

@yatot,

So, you comin' or what?

-Luke

--------------------------

Chocolates still on offer...

...Until Galactic Empire supplies last.
Brad Shorr

Provocative title PLUS a post packed with useful ideas ... who could ask for anything more? Now I'm going to Twitter this.
Jan

@yatot: Yeah, that's very funny. Know what? I think Lucrecio is the only Jedi I know who waves chocolates in the air instead of light sabers. That's below the belt tactic, methinks. After all, who can resist chocolates. Certainly not you, Yatot. lol. Welcome to the dark side courtesy of Luke.

@joji: I've read what you wrote on the Noticer page. Thanks a lot! You're very kind and generous.
yatot

@jan: deflowering... hahhahhaha... =P

i was giggling at lucrecio's signature... hahhahha.. nice one: Come to the dark side...

...We have chocolates.
jojigirl

Well, just go check thenoticerproject.com - i noticed you there, hehe... try to scroll down to find you as the list is getting long there.
Jan

@joji: I meant to ask you that but I forgot. No, there's no email from the Noticer. Did not get any. Are you in Twitter? I'll send you my personal email if you need it.
Jan

@Luke Skywalker: Thanks, Luke, I'm very pleased denizens from the dark side likes my post. Skipped dinner so as not to interrupt the flow of that post.

Many rules? Uh-oh. That means you can't have it all. There's justice in the universe after all. You've already won her heart. Every thing else after that, with the exception of children, are often times just fluff.

Dee is the most unlawyerly blog author I know of. That's why I read her. And like her.

We have a lot in common, Luke. Provincial schools? - that's me.

Thank you. I've enjoyed your self-deprecating humor very much.
jojigirl

Wondered if your email still worked. Did you get it?Just checking if the Noticer did forward it to you.
Jan

@joji: It takes a nimble mind to come up with one-liners. Congrats. You've made me sit up and take notice.

@Dee: I meant to say online pathways are littered too with shady characters.
Lucrecio Emerito

:D this is so funny. Only a genius can make this post. Not only very funny also informative and entertaining. If only teachers are like Jan with lessons like this, lessons would stick better to brain.

But when living with lawyer there are plenty of rules. And rule one is no blogging. And now Jan gave D another reason to keep keyboard away from me. Bwaaaah. But I think leaving comment does not come under definition of blogging. So there's a loophole for you, my dearest lovely lady lawyer!

But I think not allowed to blog is all for the good. I don't have good english anyway. also, small vocabulary. Not like all of you guys here. Also not as smart as Dee who was a dean's lister back in law school when everyone else was scrambling just to pass. I guess opposites just attract. Also unlike her, did not come from nice school DLSU. Just from provincial school.

Her lady friends back in night school always make fun of my english. I told them yeah because we have only little units english in engineering. And besides, we don't talk to build our case like them lawyers do... We use bricks to build bridges and tangible structures. They'd always laugh at that and make fun of me more.

There is also this saying: "It's better to close your mouth and look like a fool, rather than to open your mouth and prove it true." Well, maybe that applies to me. so I better end this soon by saying cool post, Jan.

--Lucrecio Emerito ("Luke" (Skywalker)) Wala doon, Wala dito.

-----------------------

Come to the dark side...

...We have chocolates.
jojigirl

BTW, Jan has the noticer notified you? Excuse the gutter mind, ha? ",) Was looking for something pampa alis ng antok. I can hardly get intellectual right now, can't go any further beyond the gutter. Antok, antok...Hehehe...will do away associating sex with blogging, otherwise my kind of blogging will define my sex life, hahaha.
Jan

@joji: Let's just say I'm more enthusiastic with my blogging. The pointers I've raised here are culled from my exploits in the Cenozoic era. Dwelled on it before this turned into dust.

Imagination doesn't get old, my consolation. You're forcing my hand, joji. Let's just say I have awesome power of sublimation. ",)

@Dee: The path to the bedroom is paved with good intentions. As it is in any place where people interact. Offline and off it.

So we must ensure our BS radar is in perfect working condition. It's been said any dog can be somebody in the internet. Still holds true.

You're right. Joji's witticism is disarming. That's why I always urge her to post more often.
Dee

@Jan: Okay, so how does attracting women using 1..10 apply to female bloggers? ::confused::

And, if that's the case, then I'm right not to have encouraged my husband to blog; don't want him getting ideas on how to lure women on the pretense of blogging. Shucks, I cringe at the thought...:D

@Joji! Hahaha! You go, girl!!! I like your comment! Only you could craft something really WITTY as that! :D
jojigirl

Is that so? And so you do it every other day too? Which is more often? Hahahahaha!
Jan

@dede: Is it polite if I say I get off on blogging? I'm in an awful mess, but I like it.

Cool. Thanks for the compliment.

@XP: I'm always happy writing. And as long I can hear you giggle, that's good indication for me.

Thanks, buddy.
I am Xprosaic

Blogging and sex can be of different forms and styles but it always end up "you" being happy! jejejejejejeje
Jan

@fifi: Ah, failed orgasms. They either make or break us...Cool professor - maybe not nutty (or is she) but she looks the part of a proper orgasmic friend and colleague. ",)

Great. I'm so into playfulness, too. It's hard to master, but I can always give it a try.

@yatot: I'm sorry to deflower your virginal ears, my friend.

Yeah, you only used cigar. Hardly passes for sex, I imagine. You sounded like somebody I know. Hmmm.

But whatever works for to power your writing - I'm all for it. :,)
dede

fantastic, you now the real blogger Jan! LOL..btw, success to you

http://www.eblogtalk.com/
yatot

i really dont know ha... i never had sex before.... hahhahha... =P

but then again... nice tips! all true! concise and true! keep it up!
fifi

hahaha... i had fun reading this. funny, but i had a professor in college who eventually became my friend today. she would turn to me everytime something pisses her off and we would dissect each situation using sex as our frame of analogy. we'd always burst out laughing afterwards because the conclusion would always be that the other person who caused the situation to be pissed about may have missed orgasm in his or her lifetime. ooops. back to the topic now... what works for me as a blog reader is the playful use of words, also fluidity with how ideas are conveyed through words used. i get a natural high reading posts that are effortlessly crafted. that is why i have bias for good grammar and non-reliance to highfalutin words to make a point. so although i know what epistaxis is, i certainly would prefer nosebleed. either way, i won't use those words in my writings to impress on my readers that i know more than what they actually know. huh?? such a mouthful in this cold, early morning. but that's my take.

Sex Taught Me All the Things I Need to Know About Blogging

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