Kick-Ass Gift Ideas for Christmas

by Jan Geronimo on December 20, 2008

JOYEUX NOËL / BOM NATAL / MERRY CHRISTMAS / FE...Image by Rui Ornelas via FlickrFive days to go before Christmas – are you done buying your Christmas presents yet?

Just the idea of making a trip to the mall can make one feel tired. Imagine the mad rush and the long wait at the counter. The uncertain economic times makes shopping doubly hard. Is it wise to buy that Xbox this year, although you’ve resisted your son’s pleas for two consecutive Christmas seasons? Will a second-hand iPhone bring joy to your daughter’s listless life, or will her uppity peers’ derision for sporting used items scar her for life? Ah, you have raised monsters, I see. How about gold-plated leash and muzzle for your kids then.

For the wife: book her a couple of days in a posh hotel. With spa, beauty salon treatments, the whole works. You may be the hunter, the food gatherer, but God knows what she puts up with to remain sane and gracious when you come back after your adventures in the jungle. After all, you just plunk down the table your catch and you thought you’re done being a man. Dude, she deserves the grand treatment.

The husband: what will you give him this year? Forget about socks, ties, and after shave lotion. Surprise him with handcuffs, whips and leather gear. Whim him into a frenzy, catwoman. He’s the man after all. The inertia of several years of placidity has morphed this alpha male into a remote-brandishing, beer-swiggling living room fixture. Pretty soon he will turn into a museum piece if you let him be.

For boyfriends: when he starts giving you meaningful looks on Christmas, remember to give him the lowdown. You’re done being intimate at dark alleys and scary places, which include the lousy and smelly backseat of his car, the shrubbery in some forlorn park. That he is God’s gift to you doesn’t cut it anymore. Spell it out for him, “Get a room.” The classier the better.

For girlfriends: give her an intensive tutorial on savvy internet use – photoshop tricks, html, PHP. Teach her how to make money on youtube by making full use of her knowledge on making videos. Introduce her into blogging even. Make her so busy she leaves you well enough alone in your online games.

For friends: fruit cakes – because that’s what they are, the whole lot of them. For a just a few dollars, earn their lifelong gratitude by paying for their porn subscriptions. Lady friends are a lot tougher to please, but strict adherence to diet are known to crumble during the holidays, so treat them to fine dining and videoke.

For me: I’m a practical man. Just leave a comment saying howdy and stuff below. Perhaps something civil like “up yours.” I’ll be eternally grateful, promise.

Here’s a link to 15 Strange and Bizarre Gift Ideas for the Weirdos in Your Life.

While you’re at it check out gift ideas for your dumbest friends

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